"Dashing through the snow on a one-horse open sleigh, Over fields we go – laughing all the way. " A Risk Assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to ride. The Risk Assessment should also consider whether the use on only one horse in appropriate – particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Permission from landowners must be gained before entering any ‘Open Fields’. To avoid offending those not participating in the venture, it is required that only ‘moderate’ laughter is used and not at a noise level likely to be of nuisance to others.

OK, so it's a Monday and it's cold outside. I can't think of a better way of easing myself into another crazy week than allowing myself a few minutes of childish amusement. Here are a few little light hearted quips that may just raise one corner of your mouth...enjoy... My racing snail is not winning races anymore so in an effort to reduce his weight I removed his shell, hoping this would make him more aerodynamic. It hasn’t worked as I expected though – if anything it’s made him more sluggish… Blonde wife is painting the house when the husband walks in and can’t believe she is doing so well – but to his surprise the sweat is pouring off her so he asks: “Why are you wearing leather jacket and an anorak?”

seo consultamts spamI object to many things in life, all of which could be blogged about, but I shall let this particular annoyance be expressed through the email reply I just sent to an SEO company claiming I had no idea what I was doing. I hate spam from internet marketeers at the best of times but when I get told that they can do a better job than me my blood boils over and I feel compelled to set them straight on a few things. Here is the reply text I sent back; it's fairly self explanatory I feel...If I had the time I would make a phone call and politely request them to go whistle dixie. "Thankyou for your email David Firstly let me acknowledge your apology if you feel you have caused offence – indeed you have, but that’s only half the story isn’t it?

Despite my best efforts to relax and take things easy over the last two weeks it appears that I have managed to do the exact opposite. In fact, each day has resembled a Jason Statham movie - fast paced, action packed and full of foul language. Thankfully I have averted smacking people in the face or calling people 'Chico' for no reason, nor have I adopted a cockney accent. In what was supposed to be a leisurely saunter up Chill Lane I had become sucked into a world of deadlines and targets. Often brought about by my own desire to get things done. I painted hard, tried new things, organized this that and the other, spent money I didn't have, stayed up too late, watched bad TV, ate trash food, tried to please everyone and ended up feeling stressed, tired, unhealthy and miserable... and then came Saturday.

Typical, you wait for an eternity after Christmas and then commissions come flying at you from all directions! Not that you'll ever hear me complaining. What this means though is that there is now a waiting list of people wanting art made for them and the spaces they live in. I guess that's sometimes the way it is. I visited a couple yesterday who have a fantastic barn conversion and an incredible main living space - it's going to be a privilege to paint for them if I'm honest as it's rare to get a property that lends itself to large statement pieces of art. I also have a project at a coffee shop near the south coast which is nearing completion and installation. I don't normally mention the private commissions much but this particular one is going to look stunning, even if I say so myself!

Now I may be biased but I first heard this joke a number if years ago and have remembered it ever since. Partly for the way that the radio station presenter tells it and partly because it's so damn funny. I'm sure it did the rounds through email many years ago but classics like this never age - and if you've never heard it before I hope you will enjoy it as much as I do. Click the post heading to see the joke. Perhaps I get it more because it has an art theme as it's narrative? Maybe. Anyway. If you've enjoyed it why not share it, tweet it or comment. Great jokes like these are meant to be spread around. Click below to hear it:

It's long been documented that artists and the creative amongst our society are quite often as mad as a box of frogs. Well, by this I mean that they carry personality traits that are synonymous with certain categories of mental illness, a term that's as harsh as it is broad. I feel uneasy with carrying a label that an unsympathetic society has given me in order to appease itself or place me in a box marked 'fruit cake'. I know myself better than anyone and prefer to think of being bipolar as a heightened level of awareness. Unfortunately this also brings a greater depth of emotion which swings from one extreme to the other, almost always born out of what's going on around me more-so than things I can ever generate in my head. Behaviour breeds behaviour.

The saddest thing about those internet sites that claim to be able to offer you guaranteed incomes of £20k per month is that very often the PDF that gets sent to your inbox, after you've paid $50 into an account in the Caymen Islands, is, in fact, another booklet on how to get rich quick. It isn't actually any secret at all. There never is any secret system to earn a fortune. It's another con by a pyramid marketeer who cons all the of the people below him to believe that if they play their part in attracting would be desperado fortune-seekers they too will see their incomes rise majestically towards the stratosphere. Oh dear oh dear, you gullible twats. Often the only way to internet riches is to come up with a truly ground-breaking idea, not regurgitate pyramid selling schemes. I read, with increasing frequency,

We argued about his relationship with Lotus. Clark was lucky to escape death after colliding with von Trips Ferrari at Monza in 1961 yet Clark went on to claim the first of Lotus' World Championships in 1963 at the wheel of a Lotus 25, winning seven out of ten races that season. That was great, but what he did at Indy was even more remarkable. In 1965, after some unsuccessful attempts and unlucky mechanical failures he won the Indy 500 and The F1 World Title at the hands of a Lotus 38. He is the only driver to ever win the double in the same year. He also won three titles in the Tasman F1 series, run for older cars whilst challenging for F1 honours - a record for the series. Can you imagine today's F1 faggotts competing in two series in the same year and winning both of them?

We can all remember at least two or three interesting newspaper headlines from years gone by but few have the shock value of this one. If the editors had used something a little less descriptive perhaps it wouldn't have had the impact that it did. If ever there was a knockout hook then this is it. I doubt we would ever get away with that in the this country. The famous "Freddie Starr ate my hamster" headline seems tame by comparison