MODERN ART, ABSTRACT ART and
LARGE CANVAS PAINTINGS FOR SALE

If you could read some of the random mail I get from people I think it would make your hair curl. Somedays I can’t believe the audacity of some folk. However, I always reply back and always politely so I thought I would list my top ten favourites for your reading pleasure and the kind of responses I give. Enjoy and share if you can…

10. If I wanted a painting like that I would paint my own

Then be my guest. What paints are you going to use then? I take it you have used paints before to produce abstract art? Mmmmm…..Let’s see. You will need canvas. I assume you know all about the weave densities and primer properties? Leaving paint aside what kind of painting are you going to produce? You are obviously confident about what colours to put together so it should be easy for you to stand in front of a blank canvas and create something you will want to look at every day?

9. My five-year old could do that

I have no doubt that they could. If I could throw off the chains of adulthood and revert back to a pure state of innocence, like a child, I am sure that my art would develop into a place I can only dream of. Having said that, feel free to bring yourself and your offspring to my studio and come and prove it. You can’t? Quel Surprise…

8. You should paint smaller pictures? I can’t put a large painting in my house

Yes you can. You can do anything you want to. Big is good. You wouldn’t hesitate to put patterned wallpaper up all over you wall would you so why baulk at the thought of filling a wall with a painting? It makes no sense

7. Have you got one like that one but different?

Sod off. What’s the point of that? If I have a different one then it’s not like the one you like is it? I mean, come on, where did you last leave your common sense?

6. You will never get anywhere in the art world without a Gallery behind you

Bollocks. I position well on all major search engines and do absolutely NO marketing, NO advertising and NO promotion in any Gallery because I can sell my work all day long without them. The Gallery network, on the whole, is stuffy, pretentious and elitist. They charge too much money, rip off their buyers and leave artists stranded for months without payment. Public galleries and museums are brilliant, private galleries are dead meat – I chose not to waste £1000 on a ‘limited edition’ print by some Joey I’ve never heard of.

5. What is it supposed to be?

It’s not supposed to be anything. It is whatever you want it to be – and that will change every time you look at it and with your passing moods and emotions. If you look for representations you will miss the point. Shapes will appear and forms will be recognized but this is entirely a personal thing. Don’t think of it as being anything but think of it as being everything

4. Jeez, are you some twisted retard? What the hell made you paint that?

Thanks for that. Firstly, I am not retarded – I would estimate that by your comment my IQ is roughly twice yours therefore you may want to consider revising your previous statement a little. When I paint I am remarkably empty of most thoughts. I don’t paint when I am sad, I don’t paint when I am upset and I don’t paint when I don’t want to. Painting under these circumstances doesn’t work (well, actually I’ve found out that it does but we’ll do that post another time!) Mostly though it comes out like pants if you do or it gets so twisted and gnarled up that I have to spend the next few months trying to explain to shitheads like you what was going on when I painted it – which is as pointless as giving the Sistine Chapel a coat of brilliant white emulsion.

3. You are not an artist in my opinion

And you are not a human being my friend. Ergo: the truth hurts. Are any of us artists or are we all artists? Who cares? Jealousy is a cruel mistress. Accept that.

2. Can you do me a painting that has red and blue and green and yellow and that is 1.1 metre square and is 28mm thick and has a house and some sheep and some abstract people standing on a hill and one of them must look like my dad?

Errr….No. Absolutely not. May I suggest that you paint it yourself?

1. Not being funny mate but I could paint that in ten minutes

No you couldn’t. Despite your masculine bravado and pathetic, over-inflated sense of self-importance you couldn’t. You have not spent years learning about paint and what it does, you know nothing about the properties of canvas, primers, mediums and application techniques. You know nothing of colour, shape, forms and texture. You would not understand compositional balance if it smacked you in the face.

To be honest I wonder if you could even find your own ass in ten minutes, let alone paint an abstract work of art. But I’ll give you the chance to come and prove your claims by inviting you to paint with me at my studio, where I will pay for all your materials. Come on; let’s see how big your balls are? Oh you’re busy? Oh well now that is a surprise isn’t it you fucking ignorant twat-faced retard.

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