OK, so it’s a Monday and it’s cold outside. I can’t think of a better way of easing myself into another crazy week than allowing myself a few minutes of childish amusement. Here are a few little light hearted quips that may just raise one corner of your mouth…enjoy…
My racing snail is not winning races anymore so in an effort to reduce his weight I removed his shell, hoping this would make him more aerodynamic. It hasn’t worked as I expected though – if anything it’s made him more sluggish…
Blonde wife is painting the house when the husband walks in and can’t believe she is doing so well – but to his surprise the sweat is pouring off her so he asks:
“Why are you wearing leather jacket and an anorak?”
She replies “Hello? Read the tin! It says for best results put on two coats…”
Took a woman home from clubbing the other night and after a few drinks we went upstairs and started taking our clothes off when a voice from the bed said:
“I hope that’s not that fat bird from last week?”
The shocked woman said “What the hell was that?”
I apologised and told her it was the bloody memory foam mattress…
The lead actor in our local gay pantomime ‘Aladdin’ was bum raped on stage last night..
To be fair the audience did try to warn him
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was one problem though – the ship’s parrot, who saw the shows every week and began to understand how he performed every trick. Once he knew how it was done he began shouting out loud in the middle of the show:
“Look, it’s not the same hat” or “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table” or ”Why are all the card the Ace of Spades?”
The magician was furious but was powerless to do anything about it as it belonged to the Captain.
…then the ship sank…
The magician found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred but never uttered a word. This went on for a day and another and then another. Finally on the fourth day the parrot could not hold back any longer and said
“OK, I give up, where’s the f*****g ship?”
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