Abstract and Modern Art Paintings Blog

Why I look like Gollum in the mornings

Posted by Swarez on January 9, 2010

Swarez looking like Gollum

Life can be irritating when you haven’t got hair. On the face of it this may seem like an ambiguous statement – after all, I don’t spend an hour each morning glued to my Nicky Clarke straighteners, nor do I wander aimlessly up and down the supermarket aisles searching for anti-frizz conditioning serums. No, far from it, all I really need to do is to extend my face washing routine upwards by six inches and Voila! Oddly though, that’s not quite where the story ends…

Those of us who are follicly challenged have more intricate and time consuming hair issues. Whilst most of the population worry and stress about making their hair look good we spend our time trying to stop it looking so BAD. Styling, lets be honest, is not really a concern for us baldys. Oh no, we are more concerned with uneven distribution. Regrettably, male baldness is seldom kind to every area of the scalp – often resulting in unkempt whisping blooms of hair nestling above each ear whilst the rest of the head looks like a polished mirror. It gets worse, leave the odd strand un-clipped for more than a week and you’ll wake up one morning looking like a coconut. In a cruel twist of irony the hair we have left actually grows quicker. One more reason to be tempted by a comb-over? Okay, maybe not then.

So every two days or so the clippers have to come out.  These damn things are so sharp I am normally on that ragged edge of performing a Craniectomy. That procedure, which is performed with military precision, is followed by the rotary shave which is essential in keeping that modest even look. Time taken? About an hour. Sometimes I wish for hair again, not for vanity but for the pleasure in only having to run a comb through it once a day. Keeping that Vin Diesel look is a lot more effort than it should be. Of course, you can opt for not bothering in which case you will end up looking like Gollum one morning. Mind you, if you develop a desire to dress in an animal skin loin cloth and suddenly find you have an over-active thyroid gland I think it’s time to worry about bigger issues than your hair.

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